Nostalgia is so weird. I feel it for like when I was a young child. And we were living out the lyrics to a country song. We were poor but didn’t know it. Lots of family around etc etc etc. lol. But as far as nostalgia for my kids when they were little god I feel like I missed so much just wishing the time away, not being present , or the hazy alcohol tinged days. So I applaud you for being able to realize where you are now and being here for it.
Fast forward to now and (gah) middle age with elderly mom and young adult kids I am trying to realize that this is now. This is what we get. And as I have alluded to in other posts things are changing so quickly that I do try and capture moments in time in my mind.
I really value your perspective, Karri. Thank you so much for sharing. I think nostalgia is such a deeply personal thing and it's interesting how it happens differently for each of us.
Thanks for your courage and vulnerability in the acknowledgement you started off with. I struggle with something similar every time I post on BBSDF, so I appreciate you naming what you did. It helps. I also enjoyed hearing your take on life as you pan in and out and adjust your lens. Your strategy of focusing on how you want to feel, rather than what you think you want is brilliant...because what people often mistake how they want to feel for a thing they think they want (sometimes those line up, but not always, and often not!). Nostalgia is complicated for me, having lived so many years in what felt like a false self.
That makes sense! I think that my spending such a long time masking - and not having access inwardly to what I really wanted and needed - resulted in me clinging to the expectations that were set for me, whether they were realistic for me or not (and some did make me happy, but definitely not all). Maybe that's why my experience of nostalgia has shifted so much over time.
"Remember when you wanted what you have now" - I haven't heard this before and it's powerful for me. I spent my entire childhood wanting to be an adult, specifically a mother. I've had a lot of disillusionment with parenting through the years, precisely because I did hold it up for so long as my personal pinnacle, but still, sitting here with an almost 8 year old and an almost 5 year old, I can undoubtedly say that I am where I was always wanting to be.
When I was pregnant with our first, a coworker of Joshua's told me that she found that every age with her kids was her favorite age. I've clung to that and it helps with perspective: each phase in life has both good and bad parts; there is no reason to dread the twos or the teen years because they will have their own magic.
I love your focus on being present in your now and letting the pieces of your life that are aiding your current contentment drive you to higher levels of that!
I always dreamed of being a mother and a wife, too. I just have always felt like parts of my life should be more than they are. I think it's likely from a combination of my conservative Christian upbringing mixed with my neurodivergence, and I just had such specific expectations and hopes that I constantly felt I was falling short of, even when parts of my life were really beautiful and what I'd hoped for. And it doesn't help that my background also makes parenting much harder than I thought it would be.
But I feel like I'm finally learning how to give myself what I need and reframing things that needed reframing. And while there will always be things to work toward, I finally feel like this *is* what I really wanted all along. And just being more present has made me notice it more and simultaneously made it feel more true, I think.
I have a few different types of nostalgia and most are warm feelings. I've noticed though, that there's a nostalgia when I go to my old neighborhood that is painful. It's all so different now and I know it will never be what I remember it being. I've never considered a nostalgia for now, but I had a moment like that this week. I try to take a mental snapshot in those moments. A deep sigh to smell everything around me and a good hard look around. The joys are what keep me going on days when all I can do is sleep and feel like I'm missing everything.
Nostalgia is such a funny feeling. These days, I often think about how I’ll look back with fondness at this moment in time. I won’t remember the stuff or the chipped paint or the or the dirty floors; I’ll remember the cheeky smiles and midnight parties and mud kitchen potions. I’ll remember the being together, not the things that we do or do not have.
I love what Brene Brown wrote in Braving the Wilderness about the dynamic of knowing there’s suffering and yet reminding yourself it’s okay to feel joy. She said that practicing gratitude for what you have rather than comparing or ranking pain means that you understand and value what others have lost. Someone who lost their baby doesn’t want others to lose theirs; they just want you to understand what you have and have empathy for what they lost. It is a helpful reminder to me when guilt tells me I don’t deserve what I have in the face of so much pain.
I agree! Of course, it's still easier for me to apply that to others before myself, but I'm getting better at seeing the necessity for cultivating joy even (and perhaps especially) when others are suffering. It's not the only important thing, but I know it's among them.
Nostalgia is so weird. I feel it for like when I was a young child. And we were living out the lyrics to a country song. We were poor but didn’t know it. Lots of family around etc etc etc. lol. But as far as nostalgia for my kids when they were little god I feel like I missed so much just wishing the time away, not being present , or the hazy alcohol tinged days. So I applaud you for being able to realize where you are now and being here for it.
Fast forward to now and (gah) middle age with elderly mom and young adult kids I am trying to realize that this is now. This is what we get. And as I have alluded to in other posts things are changing so quickly that I do try and capture moments in time in my mind.
Rambling over. 😂
I really value your perspective, Karri. Thank you so much for sharing. I think nostalgia is such a deeply personal thing and it's interesting how it happens differently for each of us.
Thanks for your courage and vulnerability in the acknowledgement you started off with. I struggle with something similar every time I post on BBSDF, so I appreciate you naming what you did. It helps. I also enjoyed hearing your take on life as you pan in and out and adjust your lens. Your strategy of focusing on how you want to feel, rather than what you think you want is brilliant...because what people often mistake how they want to feel for a thing they think they want (sometimes those line up, but not always, and often not!). Nostalgia is complicated for me, having lived so many years in what felt like a false self.
That makes sense! I think that my spending such a long time masking - and not having access inwardly to what I really wanted and needed - resulted in me clinging to the expectations that were set for me, whether they were realistic for me or not (and some did make me happy, but definitely not all). Maybe that's why my experience of nostalgia has shifted so much over time.
"Remember when you wanted what you have now" - I haven't heard this before and it's powerful for me. I spent my entire childhood wanting to be an adult, specifically a mother. I've had a lot of disillusionment with parenting through the years, precisely because I did hold it up for so long as my personal pinnacle, but still, sitting here with an almost 8 year old and an almost 5 year old, I can undoubtedly say that I am where I was always wanting to be.
When I was pregnant with our first, a coworker of Joshua's told me that she found that every age with her kids was her favorite age. I've clung to that and it helps with perspective: each phase in life has both good and bad parts; there is no reason to dread the twos or the teen years because they will have their own magic.
I love your focus on being present in your now and letting the pieces of your life that are aiding your current contentment drive you to higher levels of that!
I always dreamed of being a mother and a wife, too. I just have always felt like parts of my life should be more than they are. I think it's likely from a combination of my conservative Christian upbringing mixed with my neurodivergence, and I just had such specific expectations and hopes that I constantly felt I was falling short of, even when parts of my life were really beautiful and what I'd hoped for. And it doesn't help that my background also makes parenting much harder than I thought it would be.
But I feel like I'm finally learning how to give myself what I need and reframing things that needed reframing. And while there will always be things to work toward, I finally feel like this *is* what I really wanted all along. And just being more present has made me notice it more and simultaneously made it feel more true, I think.
I have a few different types of nostalgia and most are warm feelings. I've noticed though, that there's a nostalgia when I go to my old neighborhood that is painful. It's all so different now and I know it will never be what I remember it being. I've never considered a nostalgia for now, but I had a moment like that this week. I try to take a mental snapshot in those moments. A deep sigh to smell everything around me and a good hard look around. The joys are what keep me going on days when all I can do is sleep and feel like I'm missing everything.
I hear you 🧡
Nostalgia is such a funny feeling. These days, I often think about how I’ll look back with fondness at this moment in time. I won’t remember the stuff or the chipped paint or the or the dirty floors; I’ll remember the cheeky smiles and midnight parties and mud kitchen potions. I’ll remember the being together, not the things that we do or do not have.
I love what Brene Brown wrote in Braving the Wilderness about the dynamic of knowing there’s suffering and yet reminding yourself it’s okay to feel joy. She said that practicing gratitude for what you have rather than comparing or ranking pain means that you understand and value what others have lost. Someone who lost their baby doesn’t want others to lose theirs; they just want you to understand what you have and have empathy for what they lost. It is a helpful reminder to me when guilt tells me I don’t deserve what I have in the face of so much pain.
I agree! Of course, it's still easier for me to apply that to others before myself, but I'm getting better at seeing the necessity for cultivating joy even (and perhaps especially) when others are suffering. It's not the only important thing, but I know it's among them.