Misery loves company, but it needs boundaries
On learning how to not share my bad moods
Last week, I found myself in a terrible mood. My patience was practically nonexistent, I was frustrated by every little thing, and I felt stuck, like I was never going to make real progress on anything. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone.
When I slipped on one of my 4-year-old's gauzy dress-up tutus (cartoon banana peel style) and my response to my concerned husband was to tell him, “I'm really mad right now, can you just go away?” before going to a different room to cry, I realized I was due for my period, and suddenly it all made sense (now that my menstrual cycle has returned postpartum1 this happens for a handful of days about every month, and it's *super* fun for everyone in my household2) - but I still didn't know what to do about it.
This time, when I found myself mumbling and grumbling under my breath all day, losing my cool and yelling at my kids, and wanting to snap at my husband over everything, all I could think about was growing up with parents who frequently did the same thing, and how a cloud seemed to descend over our home every time one of them was in a bad mood for whatever reason. How one person's bad mood inevitably became everyone's bad mood. How this was the start of me learning to change my behaviour and stuff down my own feelings in order to manage the emotions of the people around me. How that's the last thing I want for my own kids.
Naturally, this train of thought came with some shame - a lot of it, actually. I've gotten better at giving grace to my parents, who I now understand were trying their best and who also lacked tools and support, but I'm still working on giving it to myself.
Still, I do want to learn how to be in a bad mood without making it everyone else's problem. I want my kids to be able to understand that they're still allowed to be happy and go about their day when I'm struggling.
So - in case it wasn't already clear - this isn't an “I have it all figured out” post. This is a messy middle post; a wow-this-shit-is-hard post, and an “I'm still figuring it out” post. This is an “if you're here too, I see you” post.
I wish I could say that I somehow managed to get it all under control and didn't yell or grumble or snap at all for the rest of that day or since, but I think (I hope) we all know that that's just not realistic.
Instead, I'm working on remembering that misery loves company, but it needs boundaries.
I'm working on recognizing when this is happening and gently reminding myself that I'm allowed to have those feelings and that my kids deserve to not be burdened with sharing them.
I'm working on being honest with myself, and with them, about how I'm feeling angry or frustrated or otherwise bothered, and it's not their fault or their responsibility to make it better, or to not make any mistakes to avoid upsetting me.
I'm working on walking away, and taking a moment to collect myself and figure out what I need most in that moment, and doing what I can to meet that need rather than letting myself rage over every little thing that doesn't go the way I wanted.
I'm working on remembering that there's an added layer for me with my trauma and neurodivergence that can make this especially difficult with hormones thrown in the mix, and that it's going to take time and that I'm not always going to get it right.
And I'm working on acknowledging my progress, and reminding myself of the things I'm doing well - like apologizing, and self-reflection.
**After finishing up this essay, I read this piece by
about CPTSD and how it affects your inner critic and, well… I'll be calling about therapy. 😅
Do you struggle with keeping your bad moods to yourself? Or with being kind to yourself when you can't? What's something you can recognize you're doing well? I'd love for you to share your thoughts in the comments!
As always, you're welcome to share if this post resonated with you.
My youngest is 2, and with breastfeeding, I went 18 months postpartum without my cycle. Now, of course, I'm having to adjust again to another new normal. As one does.
*Sarcasm
I often remember how much, as a child, I would get the silent treatment, think I did something wrong, and go about trying to fix all the things that I could have possibly messed up. Something that was huge was just the fact that emotions weren’t talked about and so I was left to guess--and I always guessed it was something I’d done.
As an adult with children, it’s been huge to just describe to my son what I’m feeling and why. And I’ll be real, sometimes his behaviour is difficult and I will let him know that (“when you do this, I feel this, and I need you to do this instead” is the format I try to keep to, not making him a bad child but just a child that does things sometimes). But his empathy for me in those moments is beyond what I could have done at his age. For example, my husband was working out of town for half a week and home the other half. It was not ideal, and I struggled a lot towards the end. I had a tough moment, put my head in my hands, and told my son something like I’m having a hard time. And he asked me if it was a hard day without daddy. Wow, just that one question, and tears welled up in my eyes, and it really dissipated my hard feelings. He didn’t need to fix it, but his words sure helped me that day.
We don’t do it perfectly, but we try to be honest about our difficult feelings, and I think it provides the kids such relief to know what’s happening, because they obviously sense these things, and if we don’t walk them through it, they’re left playing the guessing game, too.
I see your vulnerable heart; it’s so good and hard to think about and process these things, but I feel less alone when I read posts like this ❤️
Wow, this post deeply resonated with me. Thank you for sharing. I really struggle with feelings of anger and letting myself be in a bad mood and showing it. I have trained myself not to let any negative emotions show but i am also learning that these feelings are valid and I am allowed to show them