Hi friends! Just a quick reminder that I'm now sharing some of the links I loved each week, which you can find at the bottom of the essay. There are a number of pieces I haven't gotten to yet in my Substack inbox this week, but I've compiled the ones I have.
Two summers ago, I walked into my local library expecting to find a group of people meeting for a colouring club, at which point I was informed by the librarian that there was no such club at this library, and asked if I'd like to start one.
It turned out that I had somehow mixed up the email newsletter for a different library with this one, and I'd shown up at the wrong place. Now, a librarian I had only interacted with once or twice before was enthusiastically asking me if I'd like to start my own club.
*que panic*
“Oh, no!” I said quickly. “I do not want to be responsible for that.”
After leaving, I promptly relayed the interaction to my husband, and to my friend who had expressed interest in going with me at some point, and both of them encouraged me to go for it.
Were it not for that same friend offering to co-run the club with me, I doubt I would have even bothered to call the library to ask what starting a club would entail (let alone actually following through on it, however simple it may have been), but she did, and I did, and now here we are.
The colouring club that I started in 2022 with a few of my friends at our local library very recently evolved into a craft club, to accommodate our various crafty interests.
Last week, we had three new people join us, two of them for the first time. All three were women of retirement age, two of whom brought their knitting, and my friend who taught me to knit and I got to talk about yarn and various projects with them the whole time, which was really lovely.
And I was terrified of all of this before taking the leap.
I was nervous that nobody would come, and simultaneously dreaded the thought of anyone I didn't already know showing up.
I've never thought of myself as a leader - even in a casual sense - and it felt like too much responsibility, even if that responsibility was mostly just showing up.
But having this low-stakes way of trying something new has been so good for me.
It has made me feel more brave and capable, and it has provided a consistent creative outlet, and an opportunity to spend time with my friends and occasionally meet new people.
I've gotten to know the librarian and the new director of the library, and am comfortable enough there that I chose it as the location for my daughter's birthday party this year.
While my year of autonomy has gotten off to a bit of a slow start, I also have plans of going to the library more often on my own so I can spend some time reading or writing or crafting in relative silence.
This one unexpected opportunity, which I was all too ready to let pass me by, has become an important part of my life, as well as a catalyst for other fulfilling opportunities.
And it's weird to think how easily I could have missed it - how I really almost did.
My anxiety has kept me from doing a lot of things, but I'm trying to remember how right things can go and how worthwhile they can be when I'm deciding whether or not to do something that scares me.
So, as I make other choices this year that require me to sit with discomfort, I will keep in mind how much I could gain from allowing myself to try, even once.
And, at least sometimes, I will take the leap.
This piece about alexithymia called Felt Thoughts and Thought Feelings by
was really validating:
“No wonder it so often feels to me that trying to articulate a feeling actually feels like a lie- or completely inadequate to whatever I’m trying to say. If you have some of this ‘environmental awareness’, then maybe a truer expression of ‘a feeling’ includes something more like ‘sadness, a rock sinking, your drooping wrist, this buzz, beat, a heart slow’.”
I stumbled upon this podcast interview by
which caught my eye because of the title, "Chronically ill people live in the territory of erosion” and I still need to finish going through it, but this excerpt alone felt worth sharing:
“Francis Weller…says that chronically ill people live in the ‘territory of erosion’…which is basically constant loss and constant readjustment, like the geological foundations are always shifting, always shrinking.”
This essay on Neurodivergent Identity Exploration and Integration by
is very much in line with my experience:
“While some things may never be easy, once we accept ourselves as we are, we can give ourselves permission to curate the life that works for us.”
- shared many of the same thoughts/questions I often have in Mother Manslaughter:
“Why does justice so often feel like revenge? And why must justice be so wrapped up in prison? Can we be accountable without confinement when the person isn’t a threat? Why does revenge feel good? What if the families of the victims need this to feel whole again? Will they ever feel whole? What do we owe the dead? Aren’t there other paths to accountability and penance?”
I would love to hear about your experiences with saying yes to something that scares you or unexpected opportunities in the comments. And as always, feel free to share if this resonated with you!
So excited to read these recs! I also did a scary thing and told a story in front of 200 people with out notes! I was terrified but thrilled to have done it. Let’s keep doing scary shit!
I have had to learn to make a decision. To say "yes" when I feel called to it, not because I am being pressured or afraid. And "no"when it does not feel right or I need healthy boundaries, not falling into outer expectations. I have needed to learn both! Instead of my fears or others making a decision for me.