When Jason and I imploded, it was very much difficult to understand why. Like, he’s a beautiful father, a respectable guy, and yet there was exactly what you said--just a sense of disconnection.
We continued to live together but were emotionally separated, and he had to do the work to find his own answers instead of relying on me to do it. He made changes that he never would have otherwise and developed a deeper connection within himself that only he could do. It was amazing the way he showed up after that.
We have moments that remind me of our before time, that feel really really hard. We’re still in the messy middle. But we each are committed to our own authenticity because we can’t show up well for each other if we don’t.
I struggled with this a few years back. It was really shocking to me because any time I talked about it I got black and white leave or stay responses but never any help to figure out actual solutions. Everyone wanted to vilify my husband because I was unhappy and they wanted to be on my side, but it's not a this or that conversation and my husband was truly not a villain in the situation. In many ways he was doing nothing wrong, but he still somehow wasn't doing right either? We're in a good place now, and that's due in part to a lot of different things including having more help, and our little one getting a little older, and getting into a good routine, and treating mental health, and getting out of a work a holic mindset etc. I'm so glad you guys were able to talk about it. That seems to be key, but who really knows?
Yes! I spoke briefly about it with my mom the other day, and she immediately just reminded me how great he is and how good I have it. I know those things! But I'm also unhappy and need more, and I don't think that's unfair of me. It's so frustrating that we default to extremes in such nuanced situations.
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I'm so glad you're doing better now, and I hope I can say the same in a few years. đŸ’œ
Thanks A. for being so authentic with something that is, as you say, held behind the scenes. This is a huge subject, I could probably write a book here, don't worry I won't. My husband and I have been together 33 years and it hasn't been all love and bliss! I too have thought about divorce from time to time. But I am still here. The pendulum hasn't swung too far into taking that action. The hardest part was the infidelity. Everybody wanted to make it black or white for me, basically telling me to leave him. No one truly knows the nuances of a relationship. Each relationship is so unique with all the various dynamics both supportive and detrimental. I chose to stay. We had a very very difficult year. Yet we came out of that closer and with clearer communication. Do I still think about divorce? Yep! Building trust again has not been easy. I can get activated. Yet here we are, more is working than not.
Thank you for sharing, Julie! I'm so glad you trusted yourself and feel good about your decision. It really is hard to talk about without having someone just tell you to stay or leave, as if it's that simple. There is always work to be done either way.
Thank you for writing this piece & sharing it. It really resonated with me. As did your comment above that you know how good you have it and also you’re unhappy and need more. That’s so me right now. My husband (of almost 21 years) is a good guy & things could be worse. But I’m not happy. I also think about divorce not because I actively want it but because I don’t know where to start to deal with the mess. I know that if I want things to change, I have to do something and also I resent having to be the one to get the ball rolling.
There are so many conflicting feelings there! And it makes sense, because people and relationships are so complex. That resentment is so real, and it's hard to get past it, even when the relationship feels worth it. Sending you love in the mess.
This is so so beautiful, thank you for sharing. I listened to the Big Little Feelings episode and really appreciated Deena's honesty and vulnerability, I feel that here too with your post. I am also in a messy middle right now and every day is hard. I'm not emotionally in a place to share it through writing or publicly, but maybe will one day. We had such a good first year of parenthood that I thought it wouldn't affect our marriage, but this second year has been a doozy. So I am here in solidarity, and sending you lots of love! I truly think it's so important to hear these kinds of stories, and for me, definitely make me feel less alone. Thank you again.
This is a remarkable piece of writing, A.I am grateful for your honesty, courage, strength and wisdom, and giving voice to what so many folks in partner relationships are feeling and going through. My partner and I have and are moving through the wild lands and digging deep in the work to discern our future. It is really hard but so illuminating, too. Thank you for opening a space like this.
Thank you so much, Larry. I'm so grateful to you and everyone else here who has held space for me, and for us, and I'm grateful to be able to do the same for you. đŸ’œ
When Jason and I imploded, it was very much difficult to understand why. Like, he’s a beautiful father, a respectable guy, and yet there was exactly what you said--just a sense of disconnection.
We continued to live together but were emotionally separated, and he had to do the work to find his own answers instead of relying on me to do it. He made changes that he never would have otherwise and developed a deeper connection within himself that only he could do. It was amazing the way he showed up after that.
We have moments that remind me of our before time, that feel really really hard. We’re still in the messy middle. But we each are committed to our own authenticity because we can’t show up well for each other if we don’t.
I love that. Thank you so much for sharing, Aleesha!
I struggled with this a few years back. It was really shocking to me because any time I talked about it I got black and white leave or stay responses but never any help to figure out actual solutions. Everyone wanted to vilify my husband because I was unhappy and they wanted to be on my side, but it's not a this or that conversation and my husband was truly not a villain in the situation. In many ways he was doing nothing wrong, but he still somehow wasn't doing right either? We're in a good place now, and that's due in part to a lot of different things including having more help, and our little one getting a little older, and getting into a good routine, and treating mental health, and getting out of a work a holic mindset etc. I'm so glad you guys were able to talk about it. That seems to be key, but who really knows?
Yes! I spoke briefly about it with my mom the other day, and she immediately just reminded me how great he is and how good I have it. I know those things! But I'm also unhappy and need more, and I don't think that's unfair of me. It's so frustrating that we default to extremes in such nuanced situations.
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I'm so glad you're doing better now, and I hope I can say the same in a few years. đŸ’œ
Thanks A. for being so authentic with something that is, as you say, held behind the scenes. This is a huge subject, I could probably write a book here, don't worry I won't. My husband and I have been together 33 years and it hasn't been all love and bliss! I too have thought about divorce from time to time. But I am still here. The pendulum hasn't swung too far into taking that action. The hardest part was the infidelity. Everybody wanted to make it black or white for me, basically telling me to leave him. No one truly knows the nuances of a relationship. Each relationship is so unique with all the various dynamics both supportive and detrimental. I chose to stay. We had a very very difficult year. Yet we came out of that closer and with clearer communication. Do I still think about divorce? Yep! Building trust again has not been easy. I can get activated. Yet here we are, more is working than not.
Thank you for sharing, Julie! I'm so glad you trusted yourself and feel good about your decision. It really is hard to talk about without having someone just tell you to stay or leave, as if it's that simple. There is always work to be done either way.
Thank you for writing this piece & sharing it. It really resonated with me. As did your comment above that you know how good you have it and also you’re unhappy and need more. That’s so me right now. My husband (of almost 21 years) is a good guy & things could be worse. But I’m not happy. I also think about divorce not because I actively want it but because I don’t know where to start to deal with the mess. I know that if I want things to change, I have to do something and also I resent having to be the one to get the ball rolling.
There are so many conflicting feelings there! And it makes sense, because people and relationships are so complex. That resentment is so real, and it's hard to get past it, even when the relationship feels worth it. Sending you love in the mess.
This is so so beautiful, thank you for sharing. I listened to the Big Little Feelings episode and really appreciated Deena's honesty and vulnerability, I feel that here too with your post. I am also in a messy middle right now and every day is hard. I'm not emotionally in a place to share it through writing or publicly, but maybe will one day. We had such a good first year of parenthood that I thought it wouldn't affect our marriage, but this second year has been a doozy. So I am here in solidarity, and sending you lots of love! I truly think it's so important to hear these kinds of stories, and for me, definitely make me feel less alone. Thank you again.
I'm so glad this felt helpful for you, Hunter! Sending you love right back as you navigate your own hard things.
This is a remarkable piece of writing, A.I am grateful for your honesty, courage, strength and wisdom, and giving voice to what so many folks in partner relationships are feeling and going through. My partner and I have and are moving through the wild lands and digging deep in the work to discern our future. It is really hard but so illuminating, too. Thank you for opening a space like this.
Thank you so much, Larry. I'm so grateful to you and everyone else here who has held space for me, and for us, and I'm grateful to be able to do the same for you. đŸ’œ
Blessings to you and your beloveds on this journey.
Love to you and yours as well!