You are allowed to NOT meet all of your children’s needs. You are allowed to tell them that you need some space and that you are too full and overwhelmed and frustrated to take on more. You can be a great mom who chooses herself over her children when needed, and they may be upset about that choice; they will still be okay.
This balance is hard and we don’t always have it figured out--we will step too far in either direction. But the beautiful thing is the rupture always has the possibility of repair, and that can actually bring us closer to ourselves and our children if we lean in to it.
I was just talking to a friend about how we just won’t get it right in every situation, but we can tell the story of our struggle to our children so that they don’t create the story that everything is their fault.
This is a beautiful step in your journey; I look forward to reading more about it 🙂
Thank you, friend. It's funny how you can know something but still not fully believe it. I'm the first to remind others that it's not possible to meet everyone else's needs all the time, and how important it is to care for themselves, but putting it into practice is another thing entirely.
I think there’s always a little part of me that’s like, is that really true? Will they really be okay? It requires a great deal of trust and faith to believe that they’ll be okay even when we’re not perfect
I love that line - we can tell the story of our struggle to our children, so that they don't create the story that everything is their fault.
I've tried to be so open with my kids, saying exactly what you said (I need space, I'm too overwhelmed right now) and hope that what they take away from that when they're older is me prioritizing my mental health, not a feeling like I've disregarded them. I read once that to a child, parents are perfect, so anything "wrong" must be the child's fault; it really hit home and has made me make sure I'm explaining the reasons for things to them. I appreciate how succinctly you put that!
That was me as a child. My parents never told the story of anything and I took sooooo much blame and shame on my shoulders as a result. It totally was that feeling of they must be perfect so I must be doing something wrong. I see their humanity now, but it’s taken a long time.
I think that’s all we can do, hey? Let them know we’re not perfect and show them what it means to take care of ourselves when it’s all too much.
we congratulate ourselves often for surviving the wild selfish before kids, and the hectic selfless during kids, and the long whooshhh exhale after kids, as we tiptoed thru three separate songs of our anthology.
and my word of the year is "waiting",
as in waiting for grandkids to show up so we can do it all over again, same but different,
'cause all we really end up indulging in are the good notes.
After much thought, my word of the year will be Gather. It's got a couple of meanings which I like. This year has been a very plentiful year for me, which is really exciting but I have big plans for travel and I'm hoping to set that up for 2025. In order to be ready and able to do that I have to hit my savings goals this year. I also need to gather with people more this coming year. I've missed my two best friends that live far away so I'm hoping to set up some time with them, while also throwing some low key fun gatherings, or potlucks with friends and family. Really getting into my home and nesting a bit more will be good for me. I'll hopefully also be able to do some no spend weeks, which gameify saving for me. Another goal of mine will be to reach out to my representatives more and possibly set up a letter campaign for topics I'm passionate about. I guess we'll see how it goes, but I'm optimistic.
Ohh it’s such a journey raising children... we learn along the way... I almost certainly handed him the blame for my moods at some point, unaware then of my language and phrasing... would I love a do-over knowing what I know now to get it all right? Kinda? But my son is awesome and we get on really well (he’s 18) so maybe I did ok?!
Autonomy is a great word. I’m currently encouraging him to take some... he’s so chilled and just happy hanging out at home, and I love that too but he does need to go visit the big world at some point!
I’ll be figuring out my word in the next week or so, TRUST is lurking but I’m usually surprised by what I choose, so I’ll be patient!
Thank you, Sarah! I know in many ways I'm probably doing better than I think. I hope that when my kids are 18 I'll be able to say we get along really well, too. Trust would be a great word, but I'll look forward to seeing whatever you choose!
Oh I feel this so hard. Your kids are a bit younger than mine, so I can actually look back and remember being where you are - though it really wasn't that long ago. It is so challenging and yet necessary to reclaim ourselves! I remember the first time I felt like I belonged to myself was one brief day, when my oldest was less than a year, and I was sick. I laid in bed all day and read an entire book and it felt for the briefest moment like I was something more than a body to be used.
With both my kids in school full day now and a job of my own out of the house, I've rather ironically felt like autonomy was my incidental word of the year for 2023. I've learned to go out for a walk for no reason other than I deserve a chance to be alone with my thoughts. I've learned that even though my spouses were working full time, I was too - parenting and house managing - and it was perfectly reasonable for me to toss the kids at them to get a break; I spent years feeling like "they're just now relaxing after work, so I shouldn't make them watch the kids" when it means I never got to relax "after work."
I shared this https://holdingpages.substack.com/p/maternus a year ago, but the opening lines date back to summer 2022. It seems futile and too easy to just tell you that it gets better, but it does. Kids grow. They still have oh so many needs, but they don't demand as much from a sensory standpoint most of the time. Now I've got one tearing through chapter books and one content to look at the pictures in graphic novels, and we all three will sit on our couch with our books. In those moments, they are a part of me but also apart from me and it feels like we're each coming into our own.
Thank you so much for sharing, Jacqueline! The solidarity alone means a lot. I'm looking forward to reading your post (and hopefully one day reading on the couch with both my littles, like you)!
You are allowed to NOT meet all of your children’s needs. You are allowed to tell them that you need some space and that you are too full and overwhelmed and frustrated to take on more. You can be a great mom who chooses herself over her children when needed, and they may be upset about that choice; they will still be okay.
This balance is hard and we don’t always have it figured out--we will step too far in either direction. But the beautiful thing is the rupture always has the possibility of repair, and that can actually bring us closer to ourselves and our children if we lean in to it.
I was just talking to a friend about how we just won’t get it right in every situation, but we can tell the story of our struggle to our children so that they don’t create the story that everything is their fault.
This is a beautiful step in your journey; I look forward to reading more about it 🙂
Thank you, friend. It's funny how you can know something but still not fully believe it. I'm the first to remind others that it's not possible to meet everyone else's needs all the time, and how important it is to care for themselves, but putting it into practice is another thing entirely.
I think there’s always a little part of me that’s like, is that really true? Will they really be okay? It requires a great deal of trust and faith to believe that they’ll be okay even when we’re not perfect
I love that line - we can tell the story of our struggle to our children, so that they don't create the story that everything is their fault.
I've tried to be so open with my kids, saying exactly what you said (I need space, I'm too overwhelmed right now) and hope that what they take away from that when they're older is me prioritizing my mental health, not a feeling like I've disregarded them. I read once that to a child, parents are perfect, so anything "wrong" must be the child's fault; it really hit home and has made me make sure I'm explaining the reasons for things to them. I appreciate how succinctly you put that!
That was me as a child. My parents never told the story of anything and I took sooooo much blame and shame on my shoulders as a result. It totally was that feeling of they must be perfect so I must be doing something wrong. I see their humanity now, but it’s taken a long time.
I think that’s all we can do, hey? Let them know we’re not perfect and show them what it means to take care of ourselves when it’s all too much.
I am an old fart.
My kids are both in their thirties.
We are nothing special, but,
we congratulate ourselves often for surviving the wild selfish before kids, and the hectic selfless during kids, and the long whooshhh exhale after kids, as we tiptoed thru three separate songs of our anthology.
and my word of the year is "waiting",
as in waiting for grandkids to show up so we can do it all over again, same but different,
'cause all we really end up indulging in are the good notes.
Don't fret,
You'll be fine.
Tiptoe on,
let your spirit lead the way.
Thank you, Chuck! I love the way you describe "the songs of our anthology" and I hope the waiting brings you a delightful new adventure.
After much thought, my word of the year will be Gather. It's got a couple of meanings which I like. This year has been a very plentiful year for me, which is really exciting but I have big plans for travel and I'm hoping to set that up for 2025. In order to be ready and able to do that I have to hit my savings goals this year. I also need to gather with people more this coming year. I've missed my two best friends that live far away so I'm hoping to set up some time with them, while also throwing some low key fun gatherings, or potlucks with friends and family. Really getting into my home and nesting a bit more will be good for me. I'll hopefully also be able to do some no spend weeks, which gameify saving for me. Another goal of mine will be to reach out to my representatives more and possibly set up a letter campaign for topics I'm passionate about. I guess we'll see how it goes, but I'm optimistic.
I love that! You'll have to tell me about your travel plans!
It's the same travel dream as always. Greece!!! I'm hoping to do some train trips as well though. 🤞🤞
Ohh it’s such a journey raising children... we learn along the way... I almost certainly handed him the blame for my moods at some point, unaware then of my language and phrasing... would I love a do-over knowing what I know now to get it all right? Kinda? But my son is awesome and we get on really well (he’s 18) so maybe I did ok?!
Autonomy is a great word. I’m currently encouraging him to take some... he’s so chilled and just happy hanging out at home, and I love that too but he does need to go visit the big world at some point!
I’ll be figuring out my word in the next week or so, TRUST is lurking but I’m usually surprised by what I choose, so I’ll be patient!
Thank you, Sarah! I know in many ways I'm probably doing better than I think. I hope that when my kids are 18 I'll be able to say we get along really well, too. Trust would be a great word, but I'll look forward to seeing whatever you choose!
Well I know for sure that we when we care enough to worry if we’re not doing a good job, we’re almost always doing a great job! Hang in there! 🥰
Oh I feel this so hard. Your kids are a bit younger than mine, so I can actually look back and remember being where you are - though it really wasn't that long ago. It is so challenging and yet necessary to reclaim ourselves! I remember the first time I felt like I belonged to myself was one brief day, when my oldest was less than a year, and I was sick. I laid in bed all day and read an entire book and it felt for the briefest moment like I was something more than a body to be used.
With both my kids in school full day now and a job of my own out of the house, I've rather ironically felt like autonomy was my incidental word of the year for 2023. I've learned to go out for a walk for no reason other than I deserve a chance to be alone with my thoughts. I've learned that even though my spouses were working full time, I was too - parenting and house managing - and it was perfectly reasonable for me to toss the kids at them to get a break; I spent years feeling like "they're just now relaxing after work, so I shouldn't make them watch the kids" when it means I never got to relax "after work."
I shared this https://holdingpages.substack.com/p/maternus a year ago, but the opening lines date back to summer 2022. It seems futile and too easy to just tell you that it gets better, but it does. Kids grow. They still have oh so many needs, but they don't demand as much from a sensory standpoint most of the time. Now I've got one tearing through chapter books and one content to look at the pictures in graphic novels, and we all three will sit on our couch with our books. In those moments, they are a part of me but also apart from me and it feels like we're each coming into our own.
Solidarity <3
Thank you so much for sharing, Jacqueline! The solidarity alone means a lot. I'm looking forward to reading your post (and hopefully one day reading on the couch with both my littles, like you)!
I typically choose a word of the year, I've been doing that for years, but this year nothing has come to me. I'll figure it out eventually I'm sure
Ooh, please let me know when you do!