Hi, friends. Today is a quick one, and I won't be sharing the links I loved section, as I've been struggling and haven't read much this week.
Last week, I shared a link to a piece on alexithymia called Felt Thoughts and Thought Feelings by
and I've been thinking about it a lot since then.In the essay, Kate discusses how the generally understood definition of alexithymia - “the difficulty in knowing what you're feeling which can be common in neurodivergent people” - feels wrong.
Kate dives into the etymology of the word and eventually explains how “perhaps we are all in our own ways alexythymic.” I definitely recommend reading the whole essay about it, because it's fascinating.
This week, I've been dealing with some personal grief, and it's struck me how Kate's description of not being able to locate and identify feelings in the body, and the sudden eruption of feelings at certain times is still something I experience, especially with certain emotions.
Sometimes it's like the feelings are there but I can't find them, or it's as if they are buried under something else, so I don't notice them until after another feeling has been processed.
I feel like that eruption of emotion Kate talks about still happens to me with anger, yes, but I've also noticed it with grief in particular, which can be really staggering.
Sometimes it makes me feel guilty for not having the "right" feelings when I feel like I "should" feel them, but then I get hit with big waves when I least expect them.
Today, we're saying goodbye to my first baby: my cat, Charlie. She's been with me since high school when her mother decided to give birth to her and her siblings on our back porch. I call her my forever familiar.
Charlie's health has been deteriorating for some time, and she's not been herself despite trying multiple medications. This is the first time I've had to make a decision like this, and as much as I wish it weren't happening so soon, I've realized that it's time to let her go.
I've been noticing how the grief has been showing up as other feelings, like numbness or anger or a more general depression, and also hitting me unexpectedly, like when I gave her the liquid from a can of chicken and realized it would be the last time I did that for her.
I don't think any of this is revolutionary, and I don't have a pretty, wrapped-up ending, but this is all I've got in me today, and I thought I'd share it with you.
Maybe I just needed to remind myself that it's normal and okay to feel however I'm feeling in each moment.
Maybe someone else needs that reminder, too.
I hope that whatever else you may be feeling in whatever you are going through, you feel held. And as always, feel free to share if this resonated with you!
Sending you heartfelt wishes for comfort and spaciousness as you sit with all the feelings, known and unknown, related to your beloved Charlie. For what it's worth, I can always use the reminder that all feeling are worthy of being felt, whenever I am able to (because sometimes there is a quite a lag for me, and I can easily fall into admonishing myself for not having processed in a more timely or complete or graceful way). <3
Oh I am so sorry you lost Charlie :( That's one of the hardest, yet most loving decisions, you can make for a fur baby. All my ((((hugs)))))