The joy of friends who say "no"
On friendship and healthy boundaries
Hi, everyone! You may notice things look a bit different here. If you missed Tuesday's post note about ’s branding bundle, just know I've done a bit of redesigning.
I also decided to streamline the name of this section of the newsletter to Rewilding - rather than Divine Rewilding - a small change to mark some of the shifting I discussed in my last Rewilding newsletter. I've realized that my unlearning and growth outside of (or perhaps alongside) my religious background could have a home here as well, which opens up so many possibilities that I'm looking forward to exploring with you.
This week, I had a few friends cancel or say no to plans with me for different reasons (I feel like that makes me sound super busy, but these were very casual, low-key plans), and I also turned down a generous and tempting offer to go see a show with one of them; and more than anything, I've found myself feeling really grateful for these relationships.
This essay isn't about the joy of cancelled plans - though I could probably write a whole essay about that as well; it's about the joy of having friends who know how to care for themselves, and who respect and encourage us to do the same.
When I was growing up, I mostly had either very shallow or very codependent relationships, with not a lot of in-between. This was likely a result of a combination of my family dynamics, neurodivergence, trauma, etc. Whatever the root causes, it meant a lot of feeling rejected, and a lot of people-pleasing and showing up out of obligation.
I've been working on unlearning these patterns and learning how to have healthier relationships for years now, and part of that has been about being able to trust that people genuinely like me and want to spend time with me - even when that's not possible - and to feel comfortable saying no to things that don't work for me.
I'm realizing that I don't really struggle with that worry much anymore; I don't feel rejected when my friends need to make room for other things, even when it means our plans have to take a back seat, and I don't feel obligated to say yes to plans when I am recognizing they aren't in line with my needs.
Part of it is definitely that these friends have repeatedly shown up for me and made it clear, over and over in various ways, that our friendship is a priority for them, and that they have reassured me that they will continue to invite and include me even when I can't be there for everything as well.
I've learned not to mentally spiral every time one of us can't show up for the other, because we've firmly established that when we can, we do. And furthermore, there's a constant reassuring that we want to. I'm really proud of the trust we've built together, and genuinely joyful when any of us holds our boundaries.
It feels kind of ironic to say I'm grateful that my friends and I say no to each other, but what that “no” means to me is that we are caring for ourselves and encouraging each other to do the same.
That “no” comes with the knowledge that there is, as often as possible, an enthusiastic “yes” - and that the care is present either way.
That “no” reflects on our friendship and the safety we feel within it, with each other.
And I love that for us.
Have you been unlearning things about your relationships? Is there an aspect of your friendships that you're particularly grateful for? Please feel free to share with us in the comments!
As always, if this post resonated with you, you're welcome to share.
P.S. Did you know you can reply to this email? If you ever have a thought you'd like to share directly with me, just hit reply. I'd love to hear from you!
When reading you words, I always feel your healing, growth, and re-creation. Kind of this combination of these and other things. It is like watching a flower come into full bloom. Thank you so much for sharing.
Yes! Friends who say no make me feel so secure when I in turn have to say no. It's honestly freeing.