Stressed and Depressed

A bit of sick, a bit of SAD, and a mundane magic roundup

I've been grappling with what to write about for today. I had a few ideas earlier in the week, but the truth is, I’m struggling.

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Photo by Stormseeker on Unsplash

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After a really incredible week during our trip, things were getting back to our new normal. My daughter was back at pre-k, and things were going well until Thursday, when she came home looking super run-down, and I noticed she had a slight sniffle.

Within an hour, she was coughing, sniffling regularly, and saying her throat hurt. Since then, she's been home with a fever, a cough, and a stuffy/runny nose. After a couple days, my toddler developed a fever and mild symptoms as well.

I have some pretty significant anxiety regarding the health of my family, and the other night I started having a panic attack for the first time in months, coupled with a chronic illness flare. I somehow seem to be the only member of our family who hasn't actually gotten sick, and I'm not sure if that's helpful for me or if it's somehow making this whole situation worse.

With all of this going on, my period and my seasonal depression decided to make an appearance, so I am not well.

I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to do much of anything. I'm irritable, anxious, overwhelmed, and feeling kind of… hollow.

I'm not sure my depression has ever hit me so hard all at once. Normally it creeps up more gradually and is harder to pinpoint. I think because it's such a stark contrast to how I was feeling just a week ago, it's easier for me to see it this time.

And I guess that's a good thing, in a way. If I can see right away how much I'm struggling, I can ask for help more quickly. I'd been figuring out therapy options before our trip, so today I'll make a phone call to set up my first appointment.

I am trying to be gentle with myself. My capacity has suddenly and drastically reduced, and I'm feeling really fragile. But I'm also angry.

After being deep in burnout for most of 2022 and putting in so much effort to care for myself this year, I felt like things were going so well. Now, it's like I have to dig myself back out all over again.

It's disheartening that my favourite season is so difficult for me to enjoy; that I'm having to work so hard just to get through it.

I know this will pass. I know that I will feel okay again. But right now I'm back in survival mode for what feels like the millionth time, and it just feels unfair.

I also know that this still matters. I know that I still have wonderful things to share from this month, and more wonderful things to look forward to. I know that showing up here even in the midst of this is important.

I've been feeling grateful for this very timely essay by

Lisa Olivera

about struggling with depression and showing up anyway, knowing it will pass, but also being tired of having to face it again. And while that knowing doesn't exactly make it easier, being reminded I'm not alone is a comfort.

Part of me wanted to skip my as-of-yet unnamed end-of-the-month roundup of things that felt magical, inspiring, or important, but I actually think it might be helpful to remind myself of all the magic from this month as I trudge ahead. So, here we go:

✨️Mundane magics✨️

• My 2-year-old has started playfully covering his eyes (while gleefully peeking through his hands) during the “scary" parts of a movie we’re watching. I love seeing him become more interactive.

• My 4-year-old had finished a container of mini MnMs, and my husband was closing the lid and then squeezing to pop it open - my 2-year-old found this to be the most delightful thing and has never belly laughed so deeply!

• I have started incorporating different little things into my morning (wake-up-at-sunrise-and-go-outside) ritual on some days - earlier this month I did yoga a couple of times, and the other day I used my Merlin app to record bird song and identify some of the calls I was hearing. Some days I also write a bit. And just this morning, I watched a squirrel jump from tree to tree (which isn't out of the ordinary, it just made me smile).

• My 4-year-old hasn't been very forthcoming with details about pre-k so far, though she consistently says she's had a good day, but after a few days last week, she showed me some ASL signs she had learned and has started singing songs for us and to herself. I love hearing about what she's learned at school.

• Early this week I read an interview by

  Leyla Kazim
  about lucid dreaming and found it really fascinating. Since then, I've gone to bed every night telling myself I would remember my dreams clearly when I wake up (the first step for learning to lucid dream) and I've remembered at least one dream every night since then! I normally don't remember my dreams often, so this alone is really exciting for me.

• We got our cat Charlie to the vet last week and found out she has hyperthyroidism which, thankfully, is treatable. She's in rough shape, but her spirits are already significantly improved, and I'm hopeful.

• Our dog River is doing really well at her board and train program. The trainer is so kind and offered to give us a couple extra days so that River could attend a group session this week before coming home to us, which I think will be so good for her. Her reactivity has really improved, so I'm excited to continue working with her after this fresh start.

• On Saturday, when I was meant to be at an Oddities craft fair with my friends, I was stuck at home because of Sybi being sick, and it was also my first day of feeling really depressed; one of my friends surprised me by leaving a pumpkin whoopie pie and an adorable seasonal pin on my porch to cheer me up, and I felt so seen and loved.

• The same friends who were planning to attend the craft fair with me are all in a group chat together; I'm constantly grateful for the sharing of recipes, encouragement, laughs, and solidarity between me and my friends.

Links I loved

• Anne Vally
  of
  Nourishing Things
  wrote about the luxury of time and about how there's no “right” way to do so many things this month, and both were great reminders for me.

• t.r.h. blue
  shared A Poet's Practice about the importance of poetry and absolutely sucker punched me in the feels, as usual.

• I'm a birth nerd, so

  Sara Petersen
  ’s interview with
  Allison Yarrow
  was a really enjoyable read. I think it's important for every birthing person to understand their options and have a birth experience that honours their needs, and I'm excited to look into Yarrow's book!

(Speaking of books, I didn't finish any yet this month, so nothing to share there!)

I feel really grateful to have the space to connect with you here. Even when showing up is a struggle, it feels worth it. As always, I'd love for you to join me in the comments, and feel free to share if this resonated with you.