Growing wilder

A poem and reflection on choosing authenticity over being palatable

A quick note before we dive in today: in two weeks, just ahead of my birthday, I'll be turning on paid subscriptions. I was initially planning to wait until I had some unspecified number of pledges, but I've been thinking lately that if even one person values my work enough to pay me for it, I should honour that (and my work) and let them.

With that being said, the option for paid subscriptions will not change what you receive here. All of my work will still be available to free subscribers.

You can think of your paid subscription as a tip/donation/gift, in the sense that I will not currently be offering any extra services in return, but please know that you will have the wholehearted gratitude of myself, my family, and the other writers I'm able to support in turn, with your monetary support.

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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When I was growing up, my mom used to (half) joke that I was her "rose between two thorns," because I was the middle child and also, for all intents and purposes, the “easy” one; I was the golden child, the quiet and studious one, the church-goer, the reliable big sister, the good influence.

As the undiagnosed autistic/ADHD afab middle child, I was the quintessential people pleaser and rule follower, and despite feeling anxious and isolated and deeply ashamed of every small misstep, I really believed that was a good thing.

I used to take such pride in being seen (and thinking of myself) as the “good” one, which in reality meant that I was simply the most palatable - the least likely to disrupt, or disobey, or complain, or rebel.

It's taken many years and various personal revelations for me to be able to let go of my attachment to that approval and my striving for more of it, to really explore what it is that I need and want, and who I am outside of others' expectations. I'm still learning - and likely will be forever - but I've come a long way, and I feel happier and more whole than ever.

Now that I actually feel like I'm coming into my own and thriving, it definitely hurts to feel like certain people aren't able to embrace every part of that - every part of me - for the beauty it is.

The more I grow into myself, the less I feel I need that approval, and the more at peace I am without it, but I think the grief over the loss of that acceptance and approval - shallow though it was - will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Still, there is healing in the genuine connection I have found with people who are able to celebrate every part of me, and in the experience of making choices that are in line with my values and my identity, rather than compromising for the comfort of others.

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I have never felt more joyful, more whole, more at home within my body, more myself than I do now.

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Every time I make a decision based on what feels true and right for myself, I am reminded of how much progress I've made. Perhaps most encouragingly, I can see that for as far as I have come, this is really just the beginning.

I'll leave you with this poem I wrote in June during the

Joy Journeys

pen play writer's retreat:

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I am growing wilder,

stretching past the boundaries

in which I was planted

I am reaching for the sun

I will no longer prune parts of myself

I will no longer apologize

for taking up space

I will no longer stay small

for those who cannot appreciate

the beauty of my body,

my identity,

my love,

my life,

in full bloom

I am growing wilder

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I'd love to hear about the ways you are leaning into your own authenticity in the comments.

As always, if this post resonates with you, you are free to share.