Easing into the new year

Oy, with the puking already

As I'm typing this, it's Monday (writing posts day-of gives me anxiety, anyone else?), and I expected to be able to show up here this week with a fresh idea, or to finish carving out one of my drafts. Instead, I'm writing to you with my 2-year-old, Oren - who is finally resting after a long night of puking - asleep on my chest.

It's one of those illnesses that we keep thinking is finally over, only to be hit with another bout after we've let our guard down. So far it seems to have skipped me and my husband, but the kids have had three nights of awful, and we're all tired.

Actual photo of our couch situation, from day 2 of the sick

Three nights ago, as we were getting ready for bed, my 5-year-old, Sybil, said her belly hurt. Immediately, as now happens every time she says this, I started feeling sick to my stomach. Ironically, when she threw up the first time, my symptoms immediately went away.

Anxiety is like that, sometimes - I spend so much time worrying about awful things happening that, when they actually do happen, I often feel more calm - as if to say, “See? I knew it.”

Saturday was supposed to be Sybil's birthday party, and instead we spent the day at home on the couch. I felt like I knew that something like this was going to happen and that we'd have to reschedule the party - anxiety loves to say “I told you so.”

I was upset, but after sorting out a few details for rescheduling, I felt at peace with it. And part of me was grateful - not for the kids being sick, of course, but for the need to reschedule - because it turned out that almost all of Sybi's friends were sick as well, and wouldn't have been able to come.

That day, shortly after the party would have ended, we got our first big snow storm of the season, and I sat snuggled up on the couch with Oren, just like I am at this moment, with everyone asleep around me, and I quietly watched the snow falling as the sun set.

Yesterday the kids felt well enough to play in the snow for a bit. They were both exhausted after, but I think it was good for them to get some fresh air. Of course, that wasn't the end of them being sick like we'd hoped, but at least we got to feel like it was for a while.

Non-aesthetic photos of the kids getting ready to play in the snow

I'm realizing lately that I'm feeling much more able to handle things going wrong or plans changing, which is something I've always struggled with, but which had become especially difficult to deal with since being in burnout/working on recovering¹ for so long.

I've been easing into my word of the year mostly by following through on the simple, gentle rituals that make me feel like myself, and I think it's making a big difference already in how how much bandwidth I have.

Lest you begin to think this is some kind of goal-oriented, “new year, new me,” productivity-and-resolutions post, fear not - I am excited about my hopes and intentions for the year, but I am not diving headfirst into huge changes.

My expectations for myself (and everyone else - and pretty much everything in general) right now are low, and I'm not beating myself up over having a hard time, or making mistakes.

I also thought it would be helpful to make a quick note each day listing everything, big and small, that made me feel like myself, since that's ultimately what I'm aiming for with my intention to embody autonomy this year.

This makes it easier to keep that intention for the year top of mind, and also acts as an easy reference for the things that keep me feeling my best, in case I'm struggling with a habit or just having a hard time.

But I think, without meaning to, I've also created a sort of gratitude list - without the pressure of a regular gratitude list - because when looking back over just this first week, I'm really grateful for all of the things I've done for myself, whether that's taking a shower, drinking tea, making time to read or stretch, or staring out the window as the snow falls with my youngest curled in my arms.

So, while this isn't exactly the way I hoped to begin the year, it's also kind of…exactly the way I hoped to begin the year?

(I'm really ready to be done with puke, though)

How are you finding the new year? Are you being gentle with yourself? Have you found a small way to feel like yourself today? I would love to hear about it in the comments. And as always, feel free to share if this resonated with you!

1. For those of you who are newer, I'm a late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD parent of two tiny humans, and I spent most of 2022 in autistic burnout, coupled with frequent chronic illness flares, and all of 2023 recovering. I'm still finding a new normal and navigating meeting my own needs which sometimes conflict with the needs of my kids; this is a big part of why “autonomy” is my word of the year.