Bad dreams and white knuckles
On learning to let go (a bit)
A while back, I had a dream that I was inexplicably alone with my children in a place I normally wouldn’t take them. We were at the edge of a parking lot, and my four year old daughter was standing several feet in front of me, while I held my toddler. Suddenly, the parking lot opened up and fireworks shot out in all directions.
My daughter got scared and ran off toward my right as I soundlessly screamed for her to follow me to safety amidst the chaos of flashing lights and loud booms around us. I could see one spiraling in the direction she was running, and she couldn’t hear me.
I hesitated before running toward her, because I was still holding my son, and there was nowhere safe to put him down and no one around to help.
I woke up just before the firework exploded right next to her, my heart pounding.
I have anxiety about a lot of things, and parenting is no exception. In fact, my most intense and recurrent anxieties are directly related to my kids.
Trying to let go of some of my anxiety (or, more likely, move forward with it) has been difficult, but as I've mentioned before, I'm working hard to do things that scare me when I know they're worth it.
With this in mind, we decided to send our four year old to pre-k this year. I know this might not scare everyone, but especially since covid, I've been dreading the idea. At this point, though, the alternative no longer feels doable.
I've been really overwhelmed constantly being at home with two tinies; it's been hard to do any housework, knitting, writing, etc., and they've recently started fighting over things more frequently than they used to. I'm trying so hard to keep myself from burning out again1 and I can feel the affects of the constant stress on my well-being.
This week, I completely lost my shit with my daughter, which felt absolutely terrible, and I'm realizing that despite the way I want to be parenting, I'm repeating a number of patterns from my childhood that don't feel good for any of us.
I think this is largely due to a combination of my unhealed trauma and my late-realized neurodivergence, and I'm currently still in therapy limbo because finding someone with availability who's qualified to sort through my stuff and that I can actually afford is basically impossible.
I am easily just as anxious about sending my daughter to school with so many unknowns as I am at the thought of continuing on in the way things have been, but something’s gotta give.
I think in many ways I've placed unfair expectations on myself when it comes to parenting, and it's just not realistic for me to continue to hold onto them.
I kind of want to cry all the time about how much there is that's out of my control, and I'm starting to feel really hopeful that this change will be really good for us.
I'm looking forward to having some consistent one-on-one time with my youngest while he's still little, and knowing that my daughter will be making friends and having experiences that I've been too overwhelmed to give her at home.
I don't know if I'll ever quite get used to the feeling of letting go of whatever semblance of control I have when it comes to my kids (or anything, really) but I'm excited to be moving forward in a way that will hopefully benefit all of us.
Please send best wishes, advice from similar experiences, and, if possible, a paid subscription (for the therapy). 😅
Are you navigating school with a little (or littles) this year? Working through trauma/cycle-breaking? Or letting go of a bit of control? Leave your advice or solidarity in the comments.
As always, if this post resonated with you, you're free to share.
I spent most of 2022 in autistic burnout with accompanying chronic illness flares. I'm still learning about my needs and how to sustainably accommodate them.
It's really hard to let go of that control, especially when you want to use it to protect your children from things you went through. We often forget all the good things that happened to us though. All the ways we grew when our parents weren't around. We're always worried about what could be bad, but there are so many good things that happen too. I hope you get all the wonderful benefits and very minimal negatives.
Sending our babies to preschool (and kindergarten for my son this year!) is full of so many unknowns. They may struggle, they may cry, they may sometimes not want to go. And yet, we can support them through those struggles as best we can with comfort, building new skills, and trusting that they can do it. And building connection with the people who care for them.
What a gift for both of you to have some space and new experiences (even if it doesn’t feel that way yet!)